Rolex® or Roto-Rooter®

Rolex® or Roto-Rooter®

“Okay folks, this is what you have to do!” Jack and Paul have just arrived at the competition site with Bernice and Lydia, where Elena is starting the briefing. “Ha! Plumbing is my specialty; you guys haven’t got a chance!” Jack and Paul look down and shake their heads anticipating defeat.

 “This year, the faucet event will have two parts; the first will be to change a set of valve seats including removing and installing the valves, and then you move to the second sink, and replace the whole fixture.” “You ever done this Jack?” “Oh yeah, many times Paul.” “But this year, this is a singles event versus teams.” “What!” Bernice was expecting to pair up with Lydia again. “Ha Ha….” “Watch it Paul!” Bernice gives her new colleague the look. “Okay folks, first up are Paul and Lydia… pick your station!” The two shake hands and make their way to their respective sinks.

 As the clock starts to run, Paul waffles between which to do first; he has changed many tap sets before, but only once replaced valve seats… and only because it was an antique set his mother had, and she refused to let him simply replace them. “Okay, I’ll do these seats first!” Paul mumbles to himself as he fumbles through the tools which have been provided. “Screw-drive for the handles!” As he removes the second handle, Paul looks over at Lydia, who already has her first valve on the counter, and the second on its way out.

 “You’ve got this girl!” Bernice cheers Lydia on, as she loves the fact girls are beating the guys at what they think is their game.

 “Okay, now the seat key!” As Paul starts to remove his first seat, he sees Lydia starting to reinstall the first valve. “How does she do it?!”

 Paul finally finishes the valve change, and then moves to his second sink to start the tap-set change. “Congratulations! Lydia has beaten the record!” Elena takes the first-round winner by the hand, and raises it high. “Next up, Bernice and Jack.” Elena calls up the next contestants. “Were on tough-guy!” Bernice slaps her competitor across the back as they step up to their stations.

 After several rounds, the competition is finished, and the three winners declared.

 “Good effort guys! But this time you’re buying!” Bernice puts her arm around Paul, and points him toward Isaac’s bar.

 A little later...

“There they are! Los Caseros!” “Isaac! We need a drink!” “Beat by the girls again huh?!” The four make their way to a table and take a seat. “So what was the event today?” “Well, Isaac, it was grueling!” The group laugh at Paul. “What? It’s true!” “Lydia was finished both tasks and Paul hadn’t even finished the first!” “Boots!” Lydia scolds her friend while Paul once again lowers his head and gives it a shake. “So what was this event this afternoon?” “We had to change valve seats in one tap set, then completely change out another set. Jack did okay, but Lydia won, some other guy got second, and I was third.” “Congratulations Boots!”

 “Man I hate plumbing… I’d rather go to the Dentist.” “It’s okay if I am dealing with the clean water Paul, I just hate the sewage side.” “Yeah, I hear you Jack.” “Here you go guys.” Isaac arrives at the table with a round of drinks. “Your tab Paul.” “I guess Isaac.” The group share the customary click of the glass salutation. “We’re just here to have fun!” “You got that right… as long as it doesn’t keep costing me rounds!”

 “I used to do the plumbing stuff when I was younger, but now that we have our own Property Management business, we contract it.” “Your on-site supers don’t do any of it Jack?” “No Bernice, times have changed… they say they’re not plumbers so it’s not their job.” “What… they’re in union now?” “Things are different now Paul; we had a guy who didn’t even want to confront people who were late with the rent let alone issue eviction notices.” What did you do?” “ We fired him Lydia… and then lost a wrongful dismissal case because we did not give him enough guidance.” “Flakes!” Bernice gets a stern look from Lydia. 

 Isaac pulls up a chair and joins the group for a drink. “Contractors can be a whole other challenge.” “How so Isaac?” “My wife and I have vacation rentals here, and we deal with contractors all the time.” “They anything like back home.” “A little different Jack, but you have problems wherever you go; I had this one guy back home who was a painter.” “Yeah, I’ve met a few.” “You know Paul, he was at our building painting suites for a few days, but then shows up at my place one night late in the evening.” “What did he want Isaac?” “Well Lydia, he was drunk and needed money.” “I had a prostitute show up at my place wanting to borrow a cigarette.” “Paul!?” “What!? She was a tenant.” “Finish your story Isaac.” “You see Bernice, the government had just passed a law where you couldn’t renew your drivers license or vehicle registration if you were behind on child support.” “Good for them!” “But Lydia, this guy owned over $20,000 and couldn’t renew his work van until he paid.” “So what! Pay up and he won’t have a problem.” “I couldn’t do anything for him; you see the owner paid these guys once he got an invoice, so it had nothing to do with me.”

  “I have one for you.” “Let’s hear it Jack.” “I remember this one time when I was a caretaker in college; it was a three-story complex, and a kitchen sink on the third floor wouldn’t drain.” “Now they start… the War Stories!” Everyone laughs at Bernice’s comment. “The owner was this rich guy from Germany, he had three buildings.” “Always the way Jack.” “I asked him if I could call Roto-Rooter, but no, he insisted he would come over and show me how to do it.” “I know the type.” “You would have liked this guy Boots, depending on the day, he would drive his Beamer, the wife’s Mercedes, or if it was snowing, his Escalade.” “Yup! I think I know him!” “Well, he shows up, and he is wearing white leather shoes, a pair of dress shorts, and this expensive looking golf shirt… and his Rolex watch.” “Why do I think this is going to end badly?” “Wait for it Paul!” “We started with the usual plunging and cleaning right at the third-floor sink, but even with the snake, we didn’t seem to find anything.” “So then what?” “Well Lydia, we moved to the second floor; the tenant hadn’t used the sink that morning, so didn’t know there was a problem.” “And?” We ran her tap Isaac, and her sink started filling up.” “Oh boy, the problem is further down.” “You bet Lydia… and that’s when we moved to the first floor.” “Same thing?” “No Boots, this sink ran fine.” “So somewhere between the first and second floor.” “And backed up to the third.” “So then what?” “Well Isaac, that’s where the fun starts. The owner decides to remove the P-Trap of the first floor.” “Why? Go to the second floor and come down on it with the snake.” “Oh no Lydia, he decides we will snake up from the first floor.” “Oh God!” “So then what happened Jake?” “Let me tell you Paul, this is where it gets funny. He puts the snake in the pipe moving it back and fourth until he know it is going up versus down… and he finds the clog.” “Oh no!” “He cleared it alright Boots… and when I hear the distinctive ‘Whoosh’ I jumped out of the way!” “Oh no!” “Oh yes Paul! All over his shoes, shorts, shirt… and the Rolex!”

More to come as this is a draft...